I SAW THE COMMENT BELOW WHICH IS RELATED TO LERATO KGANYAGO AND THAMI’S SEPERATION AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF MARRIAGE.
I was once fortunate to have a deep conversation on love and marriage in today’s world with my mother. She shared a lot of wisdom on the topic speaking from experience.
Here is my two cents of what I took that day:
Marriage is a lifetime. It is committing yourself in front of everyone who is witnessing to choose this person every day for the rest of your lives. That commitment should never be taken lightly.
Marriage is not something one should get into easily because it is hard to leave it. Self-introspection should be done before agreeing to marry someone. One should stand as a bystander and analyze the relationship from that perspective before getting into marriage. Be selfish and honestly ask yourself these difficult questions:
- What is your reason to marry? What do you want out of this marriage? Are you looking for financial stability? Are you looking for emotional reassurance that you will always have someone by your side? Are you just marrying to raise your kids in a proper environment? Do you want to marry because you are so in love with this person and you want to share your life with them? Is it because you want the status of being a married woman or man.
- Ask yourself, if all the things that make you love the person were not there, would you stick around. What if they lost their legs or they got burnt by the fire and lost their good looks. What happens when they lose their jobs. When they get sick so much that they can’t satisfy you sexually. What happens if they undergo a traumatic experience and their personality changes, do you stay.
- My mom told me marriage is not only choosing to love the person you have a relationship with but their family too. One should take into account the family( this includes stepchildren) they are going to marry into as it plays an important role in the marriage itself. The family will either build your marriage or break it. One needs to ask themself honest questions on what they will or will not tolerate from the beginning.
- Then you consider the other factors that play a role in marriage such as how your relationship is a teamwork. Are you working together or against each other. How are your problem-solving skills, bad or good? Do you have the same goal? What are your beliefs on important things that may affect your relationship? Most importantly do you share the same segments on what marriage is, or should be. People take this for granted. You can never marry someone with a different perspective of what marriage should be from yours. If you believe individuals should be equal in marriage, you can’t marry someone who believes male individuals should be alphas of the marriage. If you believe individuals should contribute 50-50 on expenditure, you can’t marry someone who believes the individual male should be the only one providing.
Let’s talk about love in marriage
I believe love is an important factor in marriage. One should be in love with the person they are going to marry. But you must understand clearly that you will not always be in love with that person for the rest of your life. It’s normal to stop being in love because people are emotional beings, they feel indifferent about things every day, it’s just how our mind works. So as much as you love each but you might not be in love with one another. What is most important is the commitment and consistency to work as a team to always rebuild that spark even if it means you must start from scratch in a blank page, start getting to know each other again, because let’s be honest, as we grow up together, our perspective on life in general changes. Meaning, what used to interest me at 22 might not interest me at 28 years of age. So starting from scratch and getting to know each other again is necessary.
So what is my problem with this comment?
Firstly I get his perspective. We have parents that want to leave their marriages and don’t think they can. However, I don’t believe for a second it is because someone told them to endure the hardships that come with marriage. A lot of factors play a role in that decision making such as not having financial means to survive outside of the marriage. Some stay for their children. Some just don’t think they would be able to have a decent happy life after leaving the marriage.
Secondly, to wholeheartedly love someone and choose them every day alone is hard. In every relationship, there will be difficulties and you will have to endure them. Now hear me clearly, I am not saying you must take absolute shit in the name of enduring hardships. I am saying it is important to understand that a relationship requires hard work. It needs one to consistently work on it every day. You must draw a line and let it be known of what you can take or not take in marriage. For example, there’s this woman I know that said she can be tested on anything and she will work through it but one thing she cannot take is if her husband would cheat and make a baby outside of marriage. She personally can never be the reason why that baby doesn’t grow with her father because the father was married to someone else. She knows also that it would kill her husband to not be able to have that child growing with both their parents at home because that’s how he grew up and does not want that for his children. She says she would make things easy for him and leave so that he can raise that child in a normal home. They talked about this, they both know if something like that would happen what the result would be, so a line has been drawn there.
Lastly, again one needs to understand that love ends. If you marry only because you love that person, know that love won’t always be there. So getting married does not guarantee that you will always be loved or love that person, but it does guarantee that you will always choose each other forever.
Just an opinion
I feel like we women go into marriage or relationships blindly. Men consider many factors before deciding to marry you. They don’t marry based on love alone. They mostly marry based on attraction and what attributes you have that they personally think are necessary when choosing someone to build a home with. A woman might be beautiful, sexy, and wear designer classy clothes; or even do all sex positions to please a man but if a man does not see themselves building a home with you, they don’t commit. They don’t choose a partner because they look cute together and make sense.
Men will test you. They will test your problem-solving skills even before they even consider falling in love with you. Men are interested in knowing all your sides(bad, good, worse) first before they make a decision to commit to being in a relationship with you. They will test your survival skills, a man will bring you to his house not having much to make dinner with and will want to see how well you will handle the situation because it will give him an idea of how you will handle things if they become financially unable to provide.
Women do things differently. As long as one is in love they become content with the fact that they are happy now. There’s no consideration of how things could change a few years down the line, and if one would still choose the person they are with as a preferred partner. Even when women decide to test the guys the final decisions are based on a biased love point of view. We ignore necessary hits about a person because we think marriage we solve them, and when it doesn’t we then are not happy anymore and we want to leave. If he was cheating, marriage won’t make him stop. If he was disrespectful, marriage won’t change him. If he was abusive even emotionally, him asking to marry you does not mean he is committing to be better than he is. When you say yes, you are basically saying I am content with how you have been loving me, but we don’t grasp this.
“Enduring hardships “
I wanted to break up with my boyfriend just recently. I felt like I was not happy in our relationship. I felt like I was getting a deal that I didn’t sing up for. He was going through lots of emotional stuff, he was not himself for days. I kept blaming him for my unhappiness. He just didn’t make me happy as he did before. I later realized I was wrong. I cannot expect someone else to be responsible for making me happy. Making myself happy is my responsibility and mission, he should be adding into it. Most of us young people want the honeymoon phase of relationships and I am sorry to break to you but it does not work like that. Love comes with all beautiful things but it also comes with sufferings. Nothing is wrong with being told to not be shaken by hardships and to work on your relationship. We are in the 21st century and yes we can leave bad marriages because we are independent now. But that should never get into our heads not to do our best and work on things that came be worked out.
In a nutshell, all I am trying to say is;
In my humble opinion, a lot of factors play-part for marriage to work, love alone is not enough. Also, many elements play into the perspective of enduring the hardships. One should really consider much before getting married, that thing is forever, or at least it should be.
Let me know your views/ opinions on the comments section. I would like to hear what your thoughts are on this topic.